Thursday, August 14, 2008

Something to be Said

I've decided that I'm going to take a little break from blogging for awhile- both on here and on other blogs. I have come to the conclusion that if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.

For those I know and love- to be honest, I'm dealing with a lot of difficult things right now. I am troubled, stressed and pretty depressed about everything. I have a lot on my mind that doesn't need to be posted on here, and until I am able to work through it, or ignore it long enough so it goes away, I am taking a step back.

I am dealing with some frustrations and some dissapointments. I am still doing my "Kisses for Cancer Patients Project"- but now, it will be much smaller. Some people have really impressed me- I received donations from complete strangers all over California (and beyond!), who sent kind notes about the project. On the other hand, I met a lot of apathy from people within my circle. I am trying to focus on those kind strangers, but I can't get over the dissapointment of being ignored by the people I love and respect.

In today's world, people are "too busy" to return calls, respond to emails or make a personal connection- or to even be honest. I am not as demanding as one who would expect everyone to donate to this project, I realize that times are tight (and I can assure you, they are very tight for this girl!). But what I did wish for this project, was to be acknowledged. A simple response would have been nice- just to know that the note was received..that's all. No money needed.

I tried to remain positive. I figured that people were busy and they would eventually get to my letter. Instead, I was ignored and only sent impersonal forwards about cell phones, politics, and get this- FRIENDSHIP. To be ignored like this- not just once or twice- but by about 30 people I care about really stung. I am going to take some personal time to get over the hurt and yes, anger. I wondered why nobody could see how ridiculous it was in ignoring a personal email, and instead, replying in a very impersonal way, that pretends to be personal. (there is nothing personal about a forward.)

But if anything, I have come to realize that people only care when it's convenient. My idea for lipsticks for cancer patients was a stupid idea, and I should climb back from the limb I was hanging from, and take my bruised pride with it.

What gets me though, is that no one even replied to let me know it was a stupid idea. I would have appreciated some realistic feedback. I suppose it was easier to let me sign a forwarded petition about cancer patients rather than actually DO something for cancer patients. Note: forwarded email petitions don't actually work.

I suppose I should stop for awhile on doing things out of my comfort zone. I have done a lot of things this year, that I hoped would help me deal with losing Gram. This was one of them. If you're wondering- she is not doing well, and if it weren't obvious...I am not doing well either.

I have felt very alone in this whole "her dying" thing. This has only made it worse. I sit here and type this in my empty house (alone), to go see her later today and feel more (alone), to come home, see my empty inbox (alone), and realize that I am embarking on a new chapter of my life- "Big Kid's School" in two weeks (alone.) I can't believe that girls my age complain about being alone- I have to say, there is nothing lonelier than paying medical bills for your dying Gram, to talk to hospice and doctors by yourself, and to have all of the chairs and beds in the house to yourself. Ya, I know, I'm complaining a lot.

But with a little optimism still intact, I must say, at least, though I have failed at plenty this year, at least I have done really well at it.

Alright, and with enough negativity for a year's worth of blogs- I am taking a short vacay from this blog. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I don't want to be a dark cloud- so until I get this sorted though, I am not going to write. I know there are a lot of people in my life that are very happy right now, doing a lot of happy, notable things. Untill I can rejoin that crowd and stop complaining about my life- I don't want to drag anyone down. I know I will get through this- and once school starts, I plan to do some happy stuff and work on getting myself healthy again.



Gary Adams said...

Hi Shannyn,

If you don't mind me putting my two cents in... The fact that you've been responsible for your grandmother's care, while working for Mary Kay, and attending school--all at the same time shows a remarkable and rare level of maturity for someone your age! You may not hear it often from the people you love and care about, but you should be incredibly proud of yourself; particularly since you've managed to juggle it all alone.

As far as your charity goal for Mary Kay, if it's something you truly believe in, keep at it! You'll find as you get older that many of the strongest supporters of your goals will be total strangers or people outside of your 'circle'. So don't let the fact that you're not getting the words or actions of encouragement you want from your 'circle' stop you from what you ultimately want to achieve! Besides, who wants to hang aroung a bunch of naysayers??

With everything that's going on in your life right now, you have every right to step back, take a breather and know that what you're feeling is very normal. So do it! I offer my advice to you as someone who's been through all of the things you've been through myself and I know that you'll come out ahead--if not a little bruised!

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger..."
Friedrich Nietzsche

Andy, Beth and Jennah, too! said...

We love you... and recommend that you re-read what Gary wrote!!!

Shannyn said...

Thanks guys- I appreciate the love...

Bailey the pup says hi and sends her love...I will have pictures eventually!!