Friday, May 2, 2008

Outgrowing Diapers

I have been thinking lately at the very awkward place I seem to be in now, known as the "20's." I was visiting my doctor for a checkup, and he said I seem older than 21, and then the knitting in my handbag seemed to confirm that notion. He also added I seem older than I am but I look like I'm 15. Hmm, much to ponder.

For the past several years I've been working to not be another stupid 20-something who just parties and doesn't think about the future. I suppose that I act very adult at times. I live within my means (which isn't much), save all the pennies I can, work my butt off, apply for tons of scholarships, and work my butt off. (Lather: Rinse: Repeat.)

I guess I'm struggling with the notion of being stuck in limbo. I have too much going for me to be young and dumb- nor can I afford those things that 20 crowd enjoys; booze, pointless electronics, clothes and entertainment. I am frugal. I have too much responsiblity to throw it to the wind and act my age I suppose. I have spent the past few years taking care of gram as she gradually could do less and less for herself (the diapers only get BIGGER my friends), and with endless loads of laundry, dishes, healthy meals to cook and cleaning I feel like, well, I feel old.

Granted, there is a solid part of me that doesn't want to be stupid and young. I like eating healthy and saving for my future. I feel like a slob if I don't at least make an effort to combat my bad habits in the house- but at the same time, it's so flippin' boring.

Simultaneously, I don't have all the shiny-good-things that come with being a full-fledged adult. I have no marital status to brag about, no scrapbooks full of awesome adventures I've taken and having four cats does not nearly get you the same amount of admiration as a baby. (You know, I'll just stick with the cats.) My now, (former) roomate was not as cool as some yuppie from campus to hang out with and do that crazy college stuff, nor, was it a hubby. It was Gram. I have not gone on crazy college roadtrips, nor do I get to swoon with my female friends about my romantic honeymoon. I get to talk to my best friend about what it's like to be a 20-something living with an 80-something. Granted, I do love my Gram...but this is definietly NOT what I had pictured for this time in my life. I suppose it just shows how stupid the dreams are of a teenager.

Perhaps I'm feeling a bit out of place? Half of the people I know are living on campus somewhere, doing something cool, and the other half are settling in to domestic bliss with their newly vowed other halves. I have my foot in both ponds and look extremely awkward doing so, and I really don't get to experience the cool parts of either.

I know I'm doing great stuff for my future, yadda yadda yadda. I have two jobs that I work at, a 3.5 GPA, I'm going to CSU San Marcos this fall, I have been and will continue to apply for scholarships, I save every penny I can, I buy things of use for the home instead of designer handbags. I have not pierced, tattooed or partied myself so hard that I have stunted my growth into adulthood- but yet, I feel so much like I'm sitting here watching paint dry. In my mind, that paint is subdued and bland color beige, covering up the bright mural of color of what I thought was to be my crazy 20's.

Yep, just sitting here watching it dry.

I'm 21...why can't I just make up my mind on what life I want to lead? Wow, after much deep though I think I'm going to SPLURGE at dollar tree.

Splurge..... Point taken?

1 comment:

Andy, Beth & Jennah too! said...

My dear sweet cousin... I love your writings of thought! I think you should be writing for a magazine or something. I love your wisdoms. I don't think any of us are living like we "imagined" we would. I thought by 30-something I'd had 2+ kids and living in a home that I paid a mortage on. You're doing good things, big things. Things that many of us wished we could do. Cherish the wisdoms of your 80-something roommate. Continue to take care of yourself...your "not pierced, tattooed or partied self." Your husband will be grateful for it someday. Continue to save your pennies today... you will want them tomorrow... for your honeymoon of a lifetime! You're going to thank yourself someday for being "older" than you are. You save yourself a lot of hangovers, heartbreaks, and disappointments of young stupidity. Sorry to tell you this, but you were born into a family of cousins that are prone to act all "older" than what they look. Ten years from now, when you have what you wanted... your "stupid 20-something friends" will not be where you are. You'll be so proud of yourself! Continue to watch the paint dry, your bland beige, but it's okay to have an accent wall... with a decorative piece that you can change when you get bored with it. Enjoy your "splurge" at dollar tree. Don't forget to use your coupons! :) I love you! xoxo